When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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