i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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