please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
