a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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