I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
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