If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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