smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
