Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
