Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
