Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
