You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
