call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
