my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize