Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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