Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
