Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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