I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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