Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
