The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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