Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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