Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize