Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
