cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
