dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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