Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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