girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize