Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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