I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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