I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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