first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
