i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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