Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
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