i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
