Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
