i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Randomize
