I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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