I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
