My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
