you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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