Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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