I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
