My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize