why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
