Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
