she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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