batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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