I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
