I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
