i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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