and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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