its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No stitches, just platelets and will power
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
