I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
