I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
