I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
